The Value of Marriage in Ancient China
 
This is the story of a scholar, Liu Tingshi, courtesy name Dezhi, of the Qi Prefecture (today's Shandong Province) in China's Northern Song Dynasty (960 – 1279 AD). After Liu passed the provincial level of the civil service examination, he was appointed as a mid-level government official in the Mi Prefecture, a rather distinguished achievement at the time. Su Dongpo (1037 – 1101 AD), one of the most famous literary giants in Chinese history, was the governor of the Mi Prefecture at the time. Su Dongpo thought highly of Liu Tingshi because of Liu's character.
 
Before Liu Tingshi passed the provincial level of the civil service examination, he met a lady in his hometown and proposed marriage to her. But the engagement was not official because Liu had not given her parents the betrothal money to make it official.
 
Later Liu Tingshi won the provincial level of the civil service examination, became a government official, and was highly regarded by the famous Su Dongpo. Everyone knew Liu Tingshi was a promising young man with very bright career prospects. However, the lady became seriously ill and lost her eyesight completely. The lady's parents were poor farmers. Because they were rather poor and because their daughter had become blind, they felt she was unworthy of marrying Liu. So they didn't dare to bring up the subject of the engagement.
 
A friend of Liu tried to talk him out of marrying the lady. "She is blind now. Why don't you find someone else to marry for the sake of your career and future family life? If you must marry someone from that family, marry her younger sister."
 
Liu Tingshi replied, "When I proposed to her, I had already given her my heart. She may be blind, but her heart is intact. If I break my promise, then my heart must be warped. Besides, everyone will become old one day. When a man's wife becomes old, he shouldn't replace her with a younger, more beautiful one, should he? A man must be true to his word. I must not have a change of heart."
 
Thus Liu Tingshi married the blind lady. After they got married, Liu Tingshi tried his best to take care of his blind wife. They got along very well and loved each other very much. Together they raised several children.
 
After Su Dongpo heard the story, he was deeply touched. He commented, "Liu Tingshi truly has a noble heart!"
 
Family life is the cornerstone of a nation and a society. To nurture family life is to ensure the stability, robustness, and prosperity of a nation and a society. Marriage, in turn, is the cornerstone of family life. To nurture marriage is to guarantee a harmonious, united, and healthy family. A person's character and morality, in turn, are the cornerstones of a couple's relationship. Both husband and wife should be honest, trustworthy, and kind, and they should respect and love each other in order to have a happy marriage. In short, it is imperative to enhance a person's morality and to have everyone be kind, sincere, honest, and tolerant.
 
The following shares pearls of wisdom from the East and the West:
 
It says in The Book of Later Han: "Do not forget the friend you made when you were in trouble or cast aside the wife who shared hard times with you." (Note: The Book of Later Han was compiled by Fan Ye in the 5th century, using a number of earlier histories and documents as sources. It covers the history of the Eastern Han Dynasty from 25 – 220 AD)
 
Wei Zheng said, "Those who bestow kindness on others will receive kindness in return. Those who are charitable to others will receive charity in time of need." (Note: Wei Zheng was one of the most admired politicians in Chinese history. He was a chancellor in the Tang Dynasty for about 13 years, during the reign of Emperor Tang Taizong.)
 
Plato wrote in Symposium, "Evil is the vulgar lover who loves the body rather than the soul, inasmuch as he is not even stable, because he loves a thing which is in itself unstable, and therefore when the bloom of youth which he was desiring is over, he takes wing and flies away, in spite of all his words and promises; whereas the love of the noble disposition is life-long, for it becomes one with the everlasting." (Note: The Symposium is a philosophical dialog written by Plato sometime after 385 BC. It is a discussion on the nature of love, taking the form of a series of speeches, both satirical and serious, given by a group of men at a symposium or drinking party at the house of the tragedian Agathon in Athens.)
 
古人的婚姻态度
 
北宋时期有一位儒生，他的名字叫刘庭式，字德之。是齐州（今山东一带）人。考取了进士以后，在密州担任通判官。当时的苏东坡，就是这里的刺史。苏东坡很赏识、敬重他的人品。
 
刘庭式在没有考取进士之前，曾经认识本乡里的一位民家女子，并确定了婚姻关系。只是还没有付送聘金。
 
后来，刘庭式当了进士，做了官，又得到名人的赏识，看来是前途远大，鹏程万里。可是那位女子，因生了一场大病，两眼全失明了。女子的家庭是种田人，家境贫寒，也就不敢再向刘家提起这门亲事。
 
朋友中，有人劝刘庭式，对他讲：「那位女人已经瞎了双眼，你为了自己的前程和未来的家庭，就另行择亲吧。如果你一定要和那家结亲，就娶她的妹妹好了。」
 
刘庭式回答说：「我当年同她订立婚约时，已经把心许给她了。她现在瞎了眼睛，但是她的心还是好的。我若是违背当初的心愿，我的心倒是变坏了。再说：人人都会变得年老，妻子年老色衰时，我们也不能更换年轻美貌的女子吧？人得守诚信，自己不能变心。」
 
就这样，他们二人结婚了。婚后，刘庭式尽量照顾好这位双目失明的妻子，夫妻共处，和睦度日，很是恩爱，先后养育了几个孩子。
 
苏东坡知道这些情况后，对刘庭式的行为，也深受感动，说：「刘庭式真是一位情操高尚的人啊！」
 
家庭，是国家和社会的基石。这个基石，要摆得正，那么，这个国家与社会，也就稳定，坚固，繁荣，昌盛。而婚姻，又是家庭的基石。这个基石，如果摆得正，那么，家庭也就能够和睦团结，欣欣向荣。而个人的情操和品德，又是夫妻关系的基石，夫妻二人，都应该有诚信、善良、互敬、互爱的品性，这样才会有幸福美满的婚姻。说到底，提高人的心性，使大家都变得善良，真诚，正直，宽容，这才是至关重要的。
 
笔者言浅，特引古训数则，以申其意：
 
《后汉书》：「贫贱之交不可忘，糟糠之妻不下堂。」（注﹕下堂：逐出家门）
 
魏徵：「爱出者爱反，福往者福来。」（注﹕付出了爱给对方，对方会将爱反施给自己；为对方造福，对方也会为自己造福）
 
（古希腊）柏拉图：「所谓卑鄙的对像就是……凡俗的情人，爱肉体过于爱心灵的人。他所爱的东西不是始终不变的，所以他的爱情也不能始终不变。一旦肉体的颜色衰谢了，他就远走高飞，毁弃从前的一切信誓。但是，钟爱于优美心灵的情人却不然。他的爱情是始终不变的，因为他所爱的东西，也是始终不变的。」